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What is making you depress ed?

Easy.  The fear of telling Wanda that I found myself this summer, as a woman.  I loved it, I want to go forward with it.


I’m like can’t you wait?  Get help, pray about it, go to SA meeting?

Well I think that is why you want to, need to bring the cats back to Albuquerque.  Only Wanda be there two months, you more permanent as you are going to look like hell for work.

How to respond, what to do

OK rewrite, what to do when Wanda find s out?

You have to be more patient

Now I just don’t know how to develop it.  I was more patient with TG stuff when I was younger.  Also for jerking off, you can stop at anytime, just feel wobbly.

Important it is to get both cats to the vet next weekend.  I mean this week to hopefully travel back in ten days.  I could tell from the first day I got here I would be here until August 1.  Fortunately we are at July 23 now.

Wanda had her way she would never want to leave Bix.  Stay here forever.  Do you really think you could handle that?


So easy to come out it was scary

To be my next post.  I was jerking off a bit in response to suicidal ideation after seeing an ad on eBay about cy%n%d%.   Stressed out, disturbed, I had to.  Meantime I am looking at photos in disbelief of how out in public I was.  Really in disbelief and still trying to figure how I managed. Picture in front of the house with twenty cars outside, people walking around.  I was motivated, fed up, taking advantage of my last day out knowing it would be a very long wait again….that motivated you.  You were too upset to care.

How I feel now?

Not bad. I like it during this VBS thing how I was nearly able to get two of my puzzles done.   Next I need to sell my books on Amazon. I could get an extra fifty bucks.  I need more antidepressants but time is helping me to separate myself from last month and Cela.  I knew it would be tough and far from over yet but being away, in OK I knew I could go back to old self mode, with time. Writing stuff out, dealing with anger issues, coda issues, etc…

Next is just when do we leave and who do we travel with.  I think Wanda would like you to get your two cats back home to Abq but I want to bring Salmon Pi too or find him a home.   Monday appointment be a start for you.

Just let things be. .

If stuff is discovered back in Abq.  But be back there, with your two cats since that is your home.  Look diligent ly for a job. But your credentials, insurance, everything all says NM.  I hope to be heading back on August 1. That will allow activities in June to subside.   BG to vet won’t matter too much, she would have to be zonked out cold but regular anxiety meds do nothing, or could but get it to her hours earlier, even a day early.

OK, next entry

You do need a job, somewhere doing something.  Right now I am confused. I don’t want to look for work yet don’t understand why?   This woman life thing you went through last month and you still had people at the Trans center tell you you need to look for work.  Man or woman, you still need to work.  At least start looking.  I know it takes time but will make Wanda happy and take pressure off not working.  You can look back in Albuquerque, here, Salem.  Just started looking and apply to three places per week.

Why I don’t look for work is simple. First I don’t want to be stuck here in Oklahoma.  You don’t want Wanda going out to Vassar on her own, surely she will come across numerous things of yours while you back here unsupported and feeling idiotic.  Then there is the insomnia issue. As soon as you start working that will most definitely come back, with no doctor to see and no where to go.

So look in Albuquerque.  You can get the house cleared and move on.  Hit the market hard.  Mom won’t mind you finding work.



Who saw you?

Also, who saw you during your three weeks out?   About how many people?  The Pride parades of course, people in the neighborhood, maybe Alice, maybe M’Lea, Craig Stuart three times, Ben, maybe Richard across the street, maybe Rose or Trey, neighbors two and three doors down, some behind in apartments. Got waved at a couple times, people out driving, in the park, grocery stores, bookstore, Coda group, Rising Sun Church and possibly Enrique and/ or Pat.That is what I was trying to do, achieve confidence but tried not to get so complacent that I would not want to return.  As I got more used to the clothes, my Alec side came back and was just a dude in ladies clothes.  Only beginning and end did I act feminine.

Out in June

June 2016 was a very memorable month although I cannot call it the best month of my life since dad died on June 25th.   From just about June 1st to the 24th I had the most intense cross dressing period of my life.  I did not think I would go out as much as I did but ended up walking Central at least four times, at least ten miles around town, went shopping at Smith’s and Trader Joe’s, Barnes and Nobles and Ernie Pyle Library.  I was at Morningside Park twice, Hyder Park six times, out every day in backyard, out in front yard.  I attended four codependency groups and one church service.  I visited outside with neighbor Craig three times, went to the Trans Resource Center seven times, walked in the Trans Pride March and rode on a float in Albuquerque Pride. I was also on my rooftop four times, exposed to everyone.  Gives me a boner thinking about all that.  That’s really a lot, pretty much lived part time as a woman and I still don’t know what to call it, or what to think of it.  I do know this, if confronted by Wanda about this I will deny it all, even with the overwhelming evidence; wig hair probably all over, perhaps lipstick on glass,the possibility of Pat telling Wanda, or a neighbor.  Got a lot of things difficult to hide but you have been in similar instances before and that is how and why I am totally certain I will completely deny everything.  I can’t handle change or the anxiety that accompanies it.

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